Have a Gumdrop: 5/3/09

Normality at USM. THEY LET US OUT!!!!!!!!!! (i.e. we graduated!)

Andrea and I at Jenn's wedding...goofing around as usual

Dear God,

What is your purpose for keeping a life on this Earth when they are capable of causing so much pain to the people around them? Why keep them around when they're annoying, emotionally too deep, etc.? Those qualities spell out a life of loneliness, not only chosen, but chosen for them. I have many friends who love me to bits. I know I've annoyed them at some point, and vice versa, but they love me anyway, and I them. To quote the Eagles, there's a whole in the world tonight. Is it better just to separate myself from humanity so I can't hurt people anymore? Maybe I did deserve the throat-hold given by a "friend." A few friends have called me amazing as a person, no mention of my musical talents. Amazing people don't cause other people anger and annoyance. An amazing person would know when to stop. An amazing person would know when to lay low, when to say hi, and when to go away for awhile. I am unable to read people as well as I would like. So there I am being myself, laughing, smiling, singing, and WHAM!!! fireworks explode. If they're quieter than normal, then I can usually tell, but unless they're blatantly obvious when they're peeved, I can't tell. This is why I've been laying low for the past few days because my mood is on the swing and I don't want to upset anybody. A friend once said it's not right for people to go off on others when it suits their mood. Well friend, we've been apologising to each other for the past few months because we've been doing the very same thing. This is why I don't like fireworks anymore. Sure the colours are pretty but not when they're aimed at you. A friend told me about fireworks over Christmas. I had no idea that I would eventually receive the full brunt of the load over time, but there ya go. Shit happens, mostly to me.

All I can say is damn my heart of gold. This is why I can accept people so easily, despite their faults. Mom calls it my best trait. I call it my cursed trait. I'm sick of always receiving the bad moods from others. Venting I don't mind. But taking your mood out on me when I did not do anything to deserve it is taking an emotional toll. I'm sick of crying myself to sleep most nights, and wish I had those anti-depressant drugs that make me apathetic to the rest of the world. One question, if others were around instead of myself, would you explode on them as well or keep it inside? so i don't feel singled out here.

Never take a friendship for granted. Because friendships don't last forever in the same form. I could have gone off on my friends about so many different things, but I held back. Why? Because I knew it would upset them. If the truth needed to be said, I would take them aside gently. They did the same to me, but if I was having a bad day and Jenn would come bouncing and singing through the door, I wouldn't go off on her for acting childish. I would look at the joy in her face, and more often than not, if I let it, it would lift my mood. Friends only want and wish the best for friends. That's how I was raised anyway. Apologising to one another over and over again is no way to spend a friendship. Jenn used to say I'm sorry all the time until I finally told her, just stop saying it. Often, it was an apology she felt she needed to reiterate for being random. Don't apologise for being you.

If you feel your mood getting the worst of you, don't go off on a friend because when it happens repeatedly, it feels like a common pattern to them, as it feels to me.